Anatomy of a Bro, Part 1: Facial Hair

Certainly, not all bros have facial hair, but some do, and it seems that we can isolate several facial hairstyles which might give you a fairly good idea whether or not you are in the presence of a bro. Most bro facial hair falls into one of three categories (for the purpose of this study, we are excluding sideburns, as they vary greatly even amongst bros, and thus probably deserve their own future post):



1. The Un-ironic mustache:

Also known as the dad-stache, this facial hair formation is generally seen on older bros, as bros of the younger generation will generally be extremely conscious of the possibility that their bro-stache could be confused with the ironic hipster mustache.

2. The Chinstrap:

Also known as the Feder-Line, this facial hairstyle is favored by many bros due to its tendency to gently cradle and thus accentuate the sharpness of the bro's jawline. The chinstrap pictured here, when combined with the subject's inclined neck, pursed lips, and faraway stare, tells potential suitors, "I'm sensitive, but I can also be kind of a dick...and you like this."

3. The Broatee

Seen here on Darius Rucker, former lead singer of Hootie and the Brofish and certified bro, the broatee is perhaps the most common choice of facial hairstyle among bros, and is perhaps the most clear-cut facial hair indicator of brodom. For instance, a young man with a chinstrap beard may simply be an asshat, but a goatee nearly always means bro. Some cases in point:


This broatee, along with the surrounding carefully-trimmed stubble, knit cap and the subject's Irish brogue, makes this particular bro irresistible to the opposite sex.


This broatee, also known as the Voice of a Generation Broatee, is immeasurably enhanced by brocoder-enhanced vocals, aviator sunglasses, Jesus bling, and talent that it is difficult for mere mortals to comprehend. A true brototype.

Finally, speaking of broatees, if you find yourself looking for the perfect gift for that special bro in your life this Brother's Day, consider one of the most revolutionary products of our time, The Goatee Saver: